Ideal Curriculum for Teen Father Groups and for Independent Study.
American Library Association Recommended Book for Young Adult Reluctant Readers and Public Library Association Top Title for Adult New Readers
If Dad is a teenager, he may not be able to support his family financially, but he can provide emotional and care-giving support - and if he's involved now, and finds joy in parenting, he's more likely to be involved later!
Teen Dads helps teen fathers understand:
* Their Rights * The Joys of Parenting * Their Responsibilites - Now and in the Future
". . . encouraging tone and informality of the text make the information easy to assimilate, and the inclusion of comments from teen dads will bring readers closer into the fatherhood fold." Booklist
192 pages, Quotes from Teen Fathers.
Contents
Preface
Foreword
1 Especially for Dad
* If you don't live with your baby * If you and Mom aren¹t together * Why establish paternity? * It's not easy
2 Is She Pregnant?
* Early pregnancy test is vital * How do you feel about this pregnancy? * Her parents may reject you * Don't drop out! * Importance of school for Mom * Adoption is still an option * Father's rights in adoption * Your emotional support is vital
3 Parenting Starts with Pregnancy
* Is she moody? * She may not feel well * Help for discomforts * She needs your emotional support * What she eats matters * Your baby eats what Mom eats * Limiting the fat * The fast-food dilemma * Smoking harms fetus * Fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS) * Drugs and pregnancy * You have an important task
4 Baby's Development Before Birth
* Cells develop and divide * One month pregnant * Second and third months * Four months * Five months * Sixth month - not ready to be born * Checking on your baby * Baby feels crowded
5 The Birth of Your Baby
* Preparing for childbirth * She may have "false labor" * Early signs of labor * Role of her coach * Timing her contractions * Fetal monitor measures contractions * Your baby is born * Your newborn's appearance * Delivery of the placenta * For some, a C-section * Baby's first test
6 Caring for Your Newborn
* Those first days * Your relationship with your partner * Getting to know your baby * Mom may choose breastfeeding * Bottle-feeding is okay, too * How often will she eat? * No propped bottles - ever * Infants don't "spoil" * Important note * Babies and colic * Dealing with diaper rash * Some babies have special needs * Can you take a parenting class? * Staying involved with your child * You have a wonderful challenge
7 When He's Crawling _ Watch Out!
* Toys for baby * Build trust by responding * Baby's fears * Stranger anxiety * She listens and "talks" * Curiosity leads to crawling * Your baby starts teething * Nursing bottle syndrome * Bedtime routine is important * Playing together
8 Good Food for Babies and Toddlers
* Rice cereal first * Vegetables, fruits for baby * She likes to feed herself * Feeding him table food * Not the first year * No junk food * Baby food - Read the labels * She can eat with you * Toddlers get picky * You're her model
9 Health and Safety for Your Child
* When should you call baby's doctor? * Dealing with fever * Diarrhea can be serious * Colds are common * Smoke can cause infection * Importance of immunizations * Possible reaction to shots * Accident-proofing your home * Start with the kitchen * Other hazards * Accident-proof outside areas * Poisoning is big danger * Is paint lead-free? * Health and safety - an important challenge
10 She's One - Soon She'll Be Running
* He develops rapidly * She copies Dad and Mom * He struggles for independence * Dealing with temper tantrums * When your child asks for help * Don't rush toilet teaching * Helping him talk * Read - read - read * Develop a bedtime ritual * Every-five-minutes routine * Bottle at night? * Weaning from the bottle or Mom's breast * She keeps you busy!
11 Your Amazing Two-Year-Old
* Plan painting time * How much television? * Playing outside * How much rough-housing? * "Where do babies come from?" * She's learning rapidly * Father-child time * What about toilet teaching? * Punishment doesn't help * If you live apart * If you're gone for awhile * Your toddler's amazing world
12 Guiding Your Child Through Discipline
* She wants to please you * Sharing childrearing beliefs * Setting limits * She learns by exploring * Making it easy to behave * Shaken infant syndrome * Toddlers and discipline * Being yelled at hurts him * Must children be hit, slapped, or spanked? * Punishment interferes with learning * Child abuse happens * Helping your toddler behave * Discipline strategies * Strategies Instead of Punishment
13 Gang Involvement for Dads?
* Does gang involvement affect parenting? * Gang clothes on babies? * If you decide to leave * Keeping guns and children separate * Will your child join a gang? * Teaching your child to be non-violent * Dealing with angry feelings
14 Your Partnership - Another Challenge
* Is marriage the answer? * Making the marriage decision * Communicating with your partner * Stresses of living together * Three-generation living * People are not for hitting * When parents separate * If you must be away * Building trust
15 Another Baby? When?
* Planning your family * Lots of options * Teen fathers comment on condoms * Birth control pill * Spermicides * Depo-Provera * IUD - another method for women * Emergency contraception * STI concerns * AIDS - an incurable STI * Caring for yourself and your family * Planning for your next child
16 Your Future - Your Child's Future
* Looking ahead * Your responsibilities as a father * Establishing paternity * Proving you're the father * Taking financial responsibility * Job helps self-esteem * Money versus happiness * When you have other problems * Finding community resources * Don't give up * Your long-range goals
Annotated Bibliography
Index
Excerpt
Chapter 1. Especially for Dad
A good father is someone who's there for his kids, there to teach them, care for them, love them, show them how to get through life. I want to be a good dad. Danny, 18 - Ashley, 15 months; Aaron, 3 weeks (Disiree, 16)
Having a baby changed my life a lot. I had to stop doing about everything, going to parties, hanging out. I had to focus on Jaysay, meeting his needs. I have to be mature and stand up for whatever he needs, be a man because I've got responsibilities now. Darrance, 17 - Jaysay, I year (Victoria, 17)
If you're a teen father - or will be soon - what about you? People say teen fathers don't care about their babies. They only want to make girls pregnant. They say teenage fathers forget about their children and their children's mothers.
Some teen fathers don't get involved. Some seem not to care about their children. But you probably aren't like that. If you were, you wouldn't be reading this book.
Perhaps you live with your baby's mother. You may be married, although only one in five teenage mothers is married when her baby is born. See Chapter 14 for suggestions regarding the marriage decision.
If You Don't Live with Your Baby
You may have a close relationship with your baby's mother even if you're not living together. Perhaps you took prepared childbirth classes together. You may have been deeply involved coaching the mother throughout labor and delivery. Perhaps you're caring for the baby as much as you can.
If the baby's parents are not married, how much "should" the father be included? If the young family lives together, they probably feel much the same about joint parenting as do married couples. If they don't live together, there is no pattern cut and ready for them to follow.
Many fathers who don't live with their children want a strong relationship with them. Miguel is an example. He lived with his daughter's mother for several months after Genevieve was born. In fact, if he had his way, he would still be living with his family. Since that's impossible, he spends as much time with Genevieve as he can:
I'll continue to keep Genevieve whenever I can and buy her things she needs. Today I didn't go to work so I kept Genny all day. She's not only my daughter - she's like a little friend. I was playing with her all day. She's all active - she gets me tired, but I love her so much I'd do anything for her. She goes in all the rooms, and I have to be alert. She's smart. She does things I wouldn't think she would do. I'll tell her to go get me a diaper. She'll do it, and I'll give her a hug. Every time she does something good, I hug her. Miguel, 20 - Genevieve, 18 months (Maurine, 16)
If You and Mom Aren't Together
I think fathers mainly split because they're scared. If you aren't with your baby's mom you can still play a role in your child's life. If you and the mom don't get along, it doesn't mean you can't see your baby. Tiger, 19 - Chanté, 18 months (Crystal, 18)
If you aren't with your baby's mother, you can still have a relationship with your child. Unless the court forbids it, you have a right to see your child and to spend time with him. If you aren't able to provide for him financially at this point, share your time.
In some states, visitation is tied to providing child support, but this is not the case in most states. The father usually has the right to see his child whether or not he's paying support.
Legally, he may be able to have his child part of the time. Some fathers have custody of their children. Parents who don't agree should talk to a lawyer or legal aid group.
Establishing Paternity
I don't want to be like my father so I'll be establishing paternity at the end of this month. I want to stay in contact with my son, do things with him. Lester, 17 - Shaquille, 16 months (Traci, 16)
If you and your baby's mother are not married, it's important that you establish paternity. This means you both sign legal papers stating you are the father of your child. If you don't, your child might not be able to claim Social Security, insurance benefits, veterans' and other types of benefits through you. This is also the only legal way for an unmarried father to establish his right to visitation or custody. See Chapter 16 for more information.
When you visit your child, keep a record of these visits. Get written receipts for the money you provide for child support. You'll need these written records if you go to court.
Incidentally, try not to make verbal threats to baby's mother. Making threats could be held against you in court which might lead to you being denied visitation rights. Besides, your baby will be ahead if you and his mother, even if you aren't together, can put your differences aside when you're talking about your child.
Your child needs you. If you aren't through school yet, you may not be able to pay your share of his support. Instead, this is the time to obtain job skills so that you'll be able soon to pay for at least half of your child's needs.
You don't need to wait until you're older to give your child your love, caring, and emotional support. Even if you can't pay all the bills at this point, you can be supportive in many other ways. That's what this book is all about.
I didn't consider leaving because my father did that to my mother. You could say I hate him for what he did to my mother, and I don't want to do that. I grew up hating him because he wasn't there for me. Why would I want to ruin my kid's life by doing that?
Last time I saw my father was when I was five years old. I have a pretty bad picture of him. We saw him on the sidewalk, and I said "Hi." He ignored me. Jacob, 19 - Sophie, 7 months (Lynette, 18)
It's Not Easy
Andy discussed the difficulties of having a child before he was ready. He speaks for many young fathers:
The hard thing is you're still a kid. You can't deny it. You got yourself into this mess. I wish I had never had kids. There are a lot of things I'd like to be doing now, but I can't change what I've done. I have to deal with it even though sometimes I say, "This sucks." I see my friends who don't have kids, and I wish I were like them.
Now I have to think about my baby when I'm walking on the street. It feels weird. Before, I didn't have anyone to think about except me. Now I have to watch out for all three of us. I was mostly raised to take care of myself. I understood there wouldn't be anybody there to help me out. Now I have to think of them. It's hard. Andy, 17 - Gus, 5 months (Yolanda, 15)
Of course it's hard. Parenting a child is one of the hardest - and one of the most rewarding - tasks faced by human beings. Getting pregnant before she's ready changes a young woman's life. It also changes your life.
Many teen fathers choose to support and share in their child's care. They do so even though they may face hardship and broken dreams just as their baby's mother does. They know how important a father's influence is on his son or daughter.
When you choose this route, you will see your baby grow. First, you'll see her become a charming and independent toddler. You can be there as she travels through childhood.
Finally, you can see her become a responsible, mature adult.
What a wonderful opportunity.
Workbook excerpt - Use for independent study or as discussion guide. Chapter One: Especially for Dad
As you read this chapter, you'll consider reasons some young fathers choose to parent their child even as they work to complete their education and get job skills so they can provide financial support later.
Please read pages 18-23. Answer these questions:
1. What do you think being a "good dad" means? ______________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ 2. How involved are you now with your child? If your child is not yet born, how involved do you think you'll be? ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ 3. If you aren't married to your baby's mother, how can you legally establish paternity? ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________
4. Why should paternity be established? ________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________
5. Why should you keep a written record of money you provide for child support? ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________
Writing Assignment:
Write an essay in which you describe your feelings from the time you first realized you would be a father until the present time. Have the reactions of those around you, your parents, girlfriend, other friends, changed the way you feel? Please use separate paper.
Project:
Ask five teenage men, preferably fathers, what they think is involved in being a "good" father. Report on the results.
Teen Parents — Equality for Dad, Equality for Mom Adapted from Teenage Couples—Expectations and Reality by Jeanne Warren Lindsay
Of the 112 fathers in the survey described in Teenage Couples — Expectations and Reality, only 32 live with their children while almost all of the mothers and children are together. Of the teenage respondents, from 43-58 percent had lived less than ten years with their fathers. Only one in ten had lived less than ten years with their mothers. The pattern of dad's absence is not new, and that pattern continues.
A lot of people are doing a lot of tongue-clucking about absent fathers. Research shows that, surprise, surprise, children do better if dad's around along with mom. Yet the rate of absentee fathers continues to rise.
We know that dad is important. But do we really believe he's as important a parent as mom?
Recently I observed a young mother carrying a child, perhaps 15 months old. The mother was lovely, and the child, looking over her mother's shoulder, was beautiful. Suddenly, in my mind, the mother became the father, and the picture of parent and child was every bit as beautiful and as touching.
Is Dad Only a Helper?
It occurred to me that we often don't truly see men in the role of a fully nurturing parent. As a starter, if the parents are not together, it is generally assumed that the mother will be the custodial parent, especially if the couple has never been married.
The pattern of mom being in charge and dad only a helper, however, is also typical of parents who intend to parent together. Often, before their baby is born, mom has had more child-care experience than dad. She already knows how to change the baby. She probably has learned how to soothe an infant. Dad may not have had this pre-baby experience, and from the beginning, he feels like the helper rather than a full partner in parenting. This can work pretty well in families where dad earns the money and mom takes care of the children and the house. Each has an important job to do. Each can get tremendous satisfaction from knowing s/he plays a vital role in the family.
But the world has changed. No longer is dad the sole breadwinner. Mom, too, probably has a job, and her paycheck along with his is required to keep the family fed and housed. At the same time, in many families, mom is still doing far more than her share in the child-care and home management areas.
If a parent needs to take the child to the doctor, most often it is mom who must get off work or miss school to do so. She is likely to be the one who organizes the child care. Sometimes, the father who spends an evening with his child is even called the baby-sitter.
Usually we look at this situation, and we say it isn't fair to mom. She has far too much responsibility and too much to do. And that's often true.
Dad May Feel No "Ownership"
However, there is another way to see this reality. Dad is no longer the primary wage earner. Because he often has not had much experience in child care and home management, his partner is much more efficient at these tasks. Besides, he has grown up thinking it's her job and that she does, indeed, know much more about these things than he does.
The resulting feelings for a man may well be that he doesn't "own" any part of the family responsibilities any more. He can't earn enough money to support the family by himself, so his partner has to work, too. Sometimes, in fact, she will have a better job and earn more money than he does. At the same time, he doesn't feel—or act—"in charge" at home, and he hasn't grown up understanding the joys of truly equal partnership living.
Could this be a reason behind the surprising number of young men in our survey who say they don't plan to work while their children are small? Eleven to 25 percent stated that they don't expect to work while they have children aged 2-5, almost as high a percentage as young moms. Men no longer can expect to be in charge of the money-earning role even if they prefer it that way. At the same time, they are definitely second in the child-carehierarchy. At what can they excel?
This does not make it right for young men to forego financial responsibility, nor does it make it right for young men not to do their share of the work of child-rearing and home management. It doesn't make it right, but it may help us understand these realities a little better.
Dads Need to Feel Needed
With that understanding, perhaps we can do a better job of helping young men, even as we help young women, understand that both men and women usually must shoulder together the financial support of their families. At the same time, we must help young men better understand their importance in the parenting and home management arena. We have a long way to go in finding full equality for women in our culture, but as we make ever stronger efforts to do so, let's not throw the man out with the bath water. Let's help men understand their children need them every bit as much as those children need their mothers. We still need women and men in our families.
Let's spread that message to all our students, male and female.
Author
Jeanne Warren Lindsay Jeanne Warren Lindsay Jeanne Warren Lindsay is the author or co-author of sixteen books for and about pregnant and parenting teens. Half a million copies of her books have been sold. Lindsay's books deal with teenage pregnancy, parenting, adoption from the birthfamily's perspective, and teen relationships. Her Teen Dads: Rights, Responsibilities and Joys was selected by the American Library Association as a Recommended Book for Reluctant Young Adult Readers. Her other books include Nurturing You Newborn; Your Pregnancy and Newborn Journey; Your Baby's First Year; The Challenge of Toddlers; Discipline from Birth to Three; Books, Babies, and School-age Parents; Do I Have a Daddy?; School-Age Parents: The Challenge of Three-Generation Living; Pregnant? Adoption Is an Option; Parents, Pregnant Teens, and the Adoption Option; Teenage Couples: Caring, Commitment and Change; Teenage Couples: Coping with Reality; Teenage Couples: Expectations and Reality; Five Teens Parenting Comprehensive Curriculum Notebooks; and Teenage Couples Curriculum Guide. Lindsay has worked with hundreds of pregnant and parenting teenagers. She developed the Teen Parent Program at Tracy High School, Cerritos, California, and coordinated the program for many years. Most of her books are written for pregnant and parenting teens, and quotes from interviewees are frequently used to illustrate concepts. Lindsay grew up on a farm in Kansas. She has lived in the same house in Buena Park, California, for 36 years. She loves to visit the Middle West, but says she's now addicted to life in southern California. She and her husband, Bob, have five children and seven grandchildren. Lindsay is the editor of PPT Express, a quarterly newsletter for teachers and others working with pregnant and parenting teens. She speaks frequently at conferences across the country, but says she is happiest while interviewing young people for her books or writing under the big avocado tree in her backyard. You can reach Jeanne Lindsay by email. Illustrator
Untitled Document David Crawford illustrator, Teen Dads and other Teens Parenting Books; also Teenage Couples Series: David Crawford, M.A., has been a teacher, counselor, program administrator, and photographer of family life for 30 years. He has worked with thousands of pregnant and parenting teens as the director of the Program for Pregnant and Parenting Students, William Daylor High School, Elk Grove Unified School District, Sacramento, California. David uses photography as a teaching aid, blending the art of photography with education and enhancement of students' self-esteem. He is a leader in the field of digital photography as part of the Digital High School Program. David and his wife, Peggy, have two sons, Alton and christopher, both 31, and a daughter, Terrica, 23, who has given David and Peggy a granddaughter. Teaching Help
Whose Baby Is It?
Who cooks and who washes dishes? Will the young mother be excused from some of her regular duties when her baby is tiny and keeps her up at night? Or will she continue to do her share of non-baby-related household tasks after her baby is born?
The above paragraph was part of an exercise on living with in-laws. To my consternation, I left all the female pronouns in the Teenage Couples Curriculum Guide almost up to the final editing. Why did I finally edit out the feminine pronouns? Because I believe in self-fulfilling prophecies—the concept that if we think something will go a certain way, that prophecy is likely to come true. As long as we assume babies born to teenage mothers are the mother's responsibility, we will continue to have many young moms raising the babies alone. If we who work with young people and want to help them, assume that half the parents of these babies barely exist, we're not likely to find those absent parents leaping to their responsibilities.
Instead, let's reword that paragraph — as it is in the final version of the Teenage Couples Curriculum Guide:
Who cooks and who washes dishes? Will the young parents be excused from some of their regular duties when their baby is tiny and keeps them up at night? Or will they continue to do their share of non-baby-related household tasks after their baby is born?
Of course we'll continue to be sensitive to the needs of teen mothers who truly are alone. At the same time, let's be as inclusive as possible with all parents, not just the mothers. We must recruit teen fathers as actively as we recruit teen mothers and offer them education, job training, and parenting skills.
It wasn't by accident that the subtitle of my Teen Dads book is Rights, Responsibilities and Joys. Of course men must handle their responsibilities well. They are more likely to handle those responsibilities well, however, if they know their rights, and if they find joy in parenting. We can help them. Focusing on teenage fathers is not enough. At least 2/3 of the fathers of the babies born to teenage mothers in the United States are not teenagers. They are adult men. That, of course, suggests a whole different group of problems, and we probably can't solve them all, at least not quickly. We can, however, encourage fathers, whatever their age, to attend parenting classes with the mothers of their babies (or without the mothers, depending on their situation). Learning good parenting techniques is an important step toward responsible parenting. Responsible parenting must be expected of both mothers and fathers, and we can help further that goal. It isn't just her baby. It's their baby. They both need help.
Teen, Father at 15, Wins College Scholarship — Discusses Help from Teen Dads Group at High School
Chad Wilkinson was in ninth grade when his eighth-grade girlfriend, Amy Grayless, told him she was pregnant. Today, 31/2 years later, Chad is a college freshman, winner of a $5,000 scholarship from the Horatio Alger Association of Distinguished Americans, Inc., and Amy will graduate from high school next spring. Tyler, born May 5, 1993, is also doing fine.
These facts are easy to write, but they represent a terrific amount of hard work on the part of the young couple plus lots of support from both sets of parents and participation in a school program designed to meet their special needs.
The Teen Dads Program at Washington Alternative High School, Terre Haute, Indiana, was an important part of that sup-port. This group, led by Mike Trover, Family Service Association, meets weekly with from three to ten fathers involved.
"Teen dads face the typical stereotype —those guys that get the girls pregnant and then leave them high and dry. I encourage the guys to demonstrate how wrong these people are. They can still be responsible and fulfill their obligations. Most of the young men in my group are constantly in contact with the mothers and their children," Trover commented.
"Primarily this is a processing group where we personalize our discussion topics as much as possible. We have an agenda, but I keep it loosely structured because they always have things they bring with them," he explained.
Diverse Group of Fathers
Trover's current group includes a dad with a two-year-old and another baby coming; one whose partner just had a baby; one waiting for delivery; and one whose partner is already a mother and he is assuming the parenting role. "We have quite a mix," Trover commented.
Of the approximately 150 students at Washington High School, about 85 percent are parents. Fifty children aged three weeks to four years are cared for in the nursery on campus. Emily Runyan, counselor, is starting her eleventh year at the school. She speaks enthusiastically of the Teen Dad group which was started seven years ago by a graduate student after she said to him, "I'd really like you to meet with our dads. They could use another man to talk with them about their children, their girlfriends." He led the group for a couple of years, then graduated and moved away. Trover took over three years ago, and truly "owns" the program, according to Runyan. "We have a room where they get together and discuss legal problems, custody concerns, how to deal with a pregnant partner's hormones, all sorts of issues," she explained. The group built a sandbox for the nursery one year and is planning another project for the babies this year.
Teen Dads Group Sponsored by Family Service Association
The Family Service Association in Terre Haute sponsors the teen dad program with help from a state grant. The March of Dimes has supplied money for materials. The grants target high-risk youth and are efforts to prevent abuse and neglect of children as well as birth defects.
"I feel the dads are a neglected segment," Trover continued. "I think back to my athletic days when being a team player was all-important. A team is only as strong as its members, and if you don't have strong team members, you miss a lot. If you overlook the father, you give up a lot of strength and possibilities for the family.
"Some mothers say, 'I don't like him and I don't want my child to know him. But fathers do have rights. Several fathers in my groups have split with their child's mother but are still assuming responsibility for their child," he concluded.
Chad's Story
Chad worked 30-40 hours a week all through high school, and continues to work full-time at Columbia House, a music and video club, even as he's taking 12 units at Indiana State University. His schedule is obviously hectic. "I go to school 9-11, pick Amy and Tyler up for lunch, then go back to school until 3. I work 4:30-1 a.m., so lunch is our only time together except for weekends. And I study a lot on weekends. It's hard to get it even — the study, the work, and my family," he related.
Soon after Tyler was born, Chad and Amy began living together. They have moved back and forth regularly between her parents' home and his.
"It was hard for us but we figured it was better for Tyler, and it gave all the grandparents a chance to be with him," Chad explained. "My parents were real supportive. They explained right away that they'd help me but they weren't going to do it all."
Chad spoke highly of Washington High School. "For awhile, I was working until 2 or 3 a.m. I would come to school, and the teachers never put me down for being sleepy. They helped me with anything I needed," he recalled.
He stayed at his regular high school the first year after Tyler was born. Some of the teachers there were also supportive — but not all. "One teacher told me I needed to make a living for my son instead of being in school," he remembers. At this time, he was in tenth grade! "At that point I was ready to quit," he admits.
Washington High was different. "When you're here, it's like a positive attitude. You don't feel shunned. People don't look at you funny," he said.
"Seeing Tyler the first time changed me," he recalled. "Once I saw him, I knew I would hang in there.
When asked how he feels about being a dad, Chad replied, "It's a blast. It's stressful, especially now that I'm in college, but I wouldn't give him up for the world."
Amy Comments
Amy talked about her life since becoming pregnant at 13. "Being a mother has been hard. I've pretty much given up most of my friends although I still do things with a couple of friends — but I always have Tyler with me because he's my responsibility. I have missed out on a lot of teenage things generally, the things that teenagers do. I'm not regretting having Tyler, but I wish it could have been later."
Amy will graduate from high school in January, and she, too, will continue her education. Amy commented on the dads group. "I think it was wonderful they had it. A lot of people focus only on the mother, but the dads need to be recognized, too. To talk with other males in the same situation is a great thing. It was good for them to be able to talk with one another. For more information, contact Mike Trover, Family Service Association, 812.232.4349, or Emily Runyan, Washington High School, 812.462.4427.
Teaching Activities
Case Study: Paul and Kyla
Paul, 19, and Kyla, 15, parents of four-month-old Katherine, are not yet living together. They plan to move into an apartment when Paul graduates from high school in a few months. Paul is quoted in Teen Dads: Rights, Responsibilities and Joys. Following are additional comments he made about life as a teen father:
Kyla said she was taking the pill. Then she said she quit but that she couldn’t get pregnant. That disturbed me because I think men have the right to know whether she’s running the risk of getting pregnant.
Actually I think men should probably use a condom. They’re a pain, but any more, it’s either do you want to live—so use one—or do you want to die? I thought labor was scary. I feel the pain is almost there for the guys. If you really care about someone, it hurts. However, it was much easier in the delivery room and while she was pregnant than it is now that she has the child and is at home.
She’s living with her parents. I pay child support, and I spend more than I make because of the baby. I don’t mind, but sometimes they take me for granted. What hurts is when she says “my baby” instead of “our baby.” That hurts me deeply, and I’ve talked with other fathers who feel the same way.
It’s hard when I’m living at home and she’s living at her house. We’d be fine if we had a place to live, if things were cheaper, and it was a little easier—but it’s not. I think sometimes women take money and start to take the guys for granted. They don’t understand that money isn’t like water. You have to work for it, and it’s tough. She doesn’t see the difference between needing something and wanting something. If you can’t have what you want now, maybe you can in the future. A lot of fights happen over this.
I try to talk to Kyla, but usually she tries to avoid the situation and just hear what she wants to hear. Women when they have a kid think they have the guy by the toenails. They think they have all the legal rights. They should know more about men’s rights. They think it’s their child and he can’t ever take it away. The truth is it’s just as much his child as hers.
After she brought Katherine home, Kyla’s parents tried to keep me away. They even called the police a couple of times.
I went to a lawyer to learn about my rights. I also wanted to establish visitation rights, and I did. I’m the father and I’m paying child support. We have had some tough times, but we know we want to be together and raise Katherine together.
Discussion Questions:
1. How do you feel about Kyla telling Paul she couldn’t get pregnant?
2. Why do you think Paul said, “It was much easier in the delivery room and while she was pregnant than it is now that she has the child and is home”?
3. Why does Paul think Kyla takes him for granted? Do you think he’s right?
4. Do you think some women lack wisdom in managing money? What about men?
5. What could Paul do when Kyla tries to avoid the subject he wants to talk about?
6. How do you feel about Paul establishing visitation rights and child support payments? Is this a good plan from the woman’s standpoint? From the man’s?
7. Do you think Kyla and Paul will remain together for a long time?
Case Study: Jon, p. 113, with discussion questions. (Also assigned for Your Baby's First Year, chapter 5.)
Discussion: Father's rights and responsibilities.
Research: Ask five teen mothers if they think paternity should be established if the parents are not married. Ask each one why she feels this way. Record their answers. Ask five teen fathers the same questions. Compare the answers of the mothers versus the fathers. Did they differ much?
Note: Because the main purpose of Teen Dads is to help readers learn the art and skills of parenting, little space is devoted to legal issues. They are introduced in the Workbook for chapter 15. However, because some of your students may be uninformed about their legal rights, you may choose to introduce the subject here. This part of this lesson was provided by Julie Vetica, author of a 10-day curriculum for teen fathers.
* Puzzles: "Make a Match," pp. 230-231. Ask each student to match the legal definitions with the representative cartoons. Explain that this will help him begin to understand the need to know something about the law and his rights as a father.
* Legal Terms: Discuss terms included in "Legal Jargon" handout, p. 232. Guest Attorney: Introduce by referring to the "Make a Match" puzzles and suggest to the students that their lives may seem like a puzzle right now.
This attorney will help them understand the law. S/he will show them what to do to protect their rights and fulfill their responsibilities. The speaker should explain legal terms, explain how to respond to a summons, state under what conditions a father will be given or denied rights, and point out what behaviors may lead to denial of rights. S/he should also bring information about his/her agency and how to obtain services at low cost.
Discussion: Encourage students to look over legal forms to familiarize themselves with them. Review: Appropriate legal response to a summons as presented by the attorney during the previous session. Emphasize that a typed, written response is necessary, and that legal advice is absolutely imperative. Tell students that failure to respond within the stated time limit is inexcusable as is any plea of ignorance of the law.
* Review Mini-Quiz: Ask students to take mini-quiz covering legal terms, p. 233. This will be repeated on their final examination. Debate: "Resolved: If a baby's parents are not married, the baby's paternity should always be established legally."
Speaker: If possible, ask a former gang member, a teen father, to talk about the impact of gang involvement on parenting. Why is he no longer involved with his gang? If you wish to pursue the subject further, see chapter 13, The Challenge of Toddlers. Teaching suggestions for that chapter are on pp. 146-147 of this Curriculum Guide.
Discussion: Ask students how their family, partner, and/or friends reacted to their partner's pregnancy. How do students feel about those reactions? If family or partner is upset, what can he do to make his partner's pregnancy go as smoothly as possible for both of them, their baby, and those around them? During the discussion, emphasize the importance to the fetus as well as the mother, of a healthy emotional and physical environment.
Panel of Teen Fathers (Adapted from workbook): Ask each to talk about his role as a father. Is he able to spend a lot of time with his child? How does he feel about caring for his baby? Does he feel bonded to his child?
For other teaching suggestions on chapter topics: See curriculum charts and activities for Your Pregnancy and Newborn Journey, chapters 1 and 13, pp. 28-29 and 40-41; Your Baby's First Year, chapter 5, pp. 92-93.
Parent/Child Assignment: Take your child for a walk. If he's not walking, use a stroller or carry him. If he's walking, go at his pace. There's no hurry!
Case Study - I'm With the Father — But I Wish I Wasn't
The revised edition of The Challenge of Toddlers includes a chapter, "Gang Involvement Versus Parenting." In preparation for writing this chapter, I interviewed about 20 young parents who had been in gangs. Most of them were no longer associated with their former gang, and generally they credited this change in their lives to having a baby. They knew he gang would not be a good influence on their child. Zelia, 17, was five months pregnant when I interviewed her. Her baby's father was in a gang, and Zelia shared her feelings on this issue:
I'm with the father right now but I wish I wasn't. He's a gang member. That's what attracted me at first, Rodney's appearance, but now that I'm pregnant, I don't want my daughter to have anything to do with anything like that. Rod wants his best friend to be my daughter's godfather, and he's a gang member too. Rod tells me, "I'm going to take the baby to the gang meetings."
I told him, "No, you're not, you aren't going to take her anywhere." I do like Rod but I don't want my baby to be around anything like that. I think he's confused when he says his gang is his family. I say, "They aren't going to be there when you're killed, they aren't going to visit your grave."
Usually when a gang member gets killed, they have little sweaters, black or white, and on the back they have "Rest in Peace." They put the guy's nickname on it, and they wear that for a few days.
Rod is 16. I don't think he's doing anything for himself. He says we're going to get the baby this or that, but he isn't working, and I don't even want to know where he gets the money.
He was pretty much involved in drugs, but once he ended up in the hospital. The doctor said that drug had rat poison in it, and that really scared Rod.
Now I don't think he's doing drugs, but I don't know. I live with my parents, and they don't accept him at all. We had this real ugly incident on New Year's Eve. Rod came to me and said his dad was going to give him a new car, and now he could pick me up after school every day.
I said, "No, my dad doesn't want you to pick me up because of the way you look. Somebody could be shooting at you, and I'd be there." He got mad and called me a bitch and said awful things.
My dad talked to Rod and said he wasn't to come to my house unless my dad was there. Then his mom came and said disrespectful things to my parents. I told my boyfriend this was it, I didn't want to see him any more. The next day he wrote me a letter and told me how much he loved me. He said if he couldn't have me, he would kill him-self. So I'm afraid to leave him. I don't like his lifestyle, the gangs, the drive-bys.
I don't want my baby to go through that at all.
One of my cousin's sons, she has him bald, 2 years old, wearing little gang outfits. I don't think a little boy should be looking like that. I think people judge a little boy by the way he looks. That's not fair to the child.
That poor little boy doesn't know what's going on. Lately I don't see my boyfriend as much. I don't talk to him that much.
I try to stay away from him. Last year I thought, "Oh my god, this is the one for me. I love him." But I'm too young, I don't know what love is. I don't regret my child. She's there and I'm going to support her and teach her good morals so she won't end up the way her father is. One day I freaked that my baby won't have a father, he'll not be with me during labor.
Since I got pregnant, my boyfriend doesn't get a job. I don't know what he thinks, that my parents are going to support the baby. Rod tells me that I'm not mature, but there he is over there running around in his car, getting in trouble, the narcs coming to his house, taking his car away.
My whole lifestyle is completely different from his. My parents want me to find someone who will support me in the way my parents supported us. I know if I stay with my boyfriend it won't be like that. It will be hell for me.
Discussion Questions
1.Why do you think Zelia stays with Rod? 2 Would it be better for her baby if Zelia broke up with Rod — or should she stay with him so her baby won't feel deserted by her father?
Dear Judy
Baby Gang Wannabes in Class?
Dear Judy,
Two of my students bring their babies to school dressed in gang colors. One has even shaved her little boy's head. How should I react? Gangs Aren't for Babies
Dear Gangs Aren't, It's hard because we get scared for the child, and for the mother and the direction she is going. If we can step outside of our fear, we can ask the mother why she is doing this. How much of her identity is caught up in that gang? Truthfully, that may be the only place she can get any kind of identity, any kind of acceptance. For whatever reason, this has become her group.
Teens try to form an identity. That's their job. That's why they wear strange hair styles, pierce their body parts. It's a fine line between that and stepping into something truly harmful. We need to help her evaluate what she is getting and what danger she is in. With teens, we have to put the question before them, and not come across in a judgmental or parental manner. She's projecting her identity onto her child. At 15, you're developing an identity, and when you have a baby at 15, you get the baby caught in the same thing.
How do your other students feel about this issue? Perhaps former gang members will share why they don't shave their baby's head. Often teens listen to teens better than to us.
Dear Judy,
I would like to add a quick note in response to the letter you received about "Baby Gang Wannabes in Class?"
I have for the past five years facilitated a class for teen parents incarcerated in the Juvenile Detention Center in Albuquerque, NM. Part of the program allows visitation privileges for the significant other and child(ren) of the incarcerated teen parent. I remember a young mother bringing her four-month-old daughter into the visiting area dressed in "gang colors." I will tell you that after my discussion with this young mother and the young father, this little baby girl returned the following week dressed in lots of pink! The young mother had thought she would impress the father of her child by dressing the baby in his gang's affiliation colors.
The majority of teen fathers participating in this program in the last five years have a genuine desire to be good fathers, and one of their goals for their child is not to be involved in gangs. They now realize the negative influence gangs have made on their lives.
I have seen many young mothers and fathers who have kept their partners from seeing the child due to the partner's involvement with gangs. I support them in their efforts to protect the child from that element and advise the gang member parent to change their behavior or risk the loss of contact with the child. More importantly, make the change to steer clear of the Adult System.
Thanks for printing those letters!
Sincerely, Robert Estevan Pacheco, Facilitator Teen Parenting Skills Project
Additional Viewpoint:
Dear Judy,
Kids need their fathers, right? So how do I respond when a student, whose baby's father is actively involved in a gang, says, "I don't want her father in her life. He doesn't know his priorities, doesn't give up his neighborhood. I don't want him around, and then one day he's not there because they say he's dead or he's in jail."
Her baby is due any day, and she says she's not even going to put the father's name on the birth certificate. I know I can't solve her problem, but she's asking for advice. Please help! On Mom's Side
Dear On Mom's Side,
I understand the mother's fear. It's valid, but she has no right to withhold a father from a child. She's caught in a situation that will be hard either way. If the father is there, there is a question as to what he's teaching the child, the safety of the child. But if he isn't there, the child will pick up an even more negative message, that he's not worthy of having his father care about him, and that will probably do more damage.
Is there any chance you can get that father into your parenting class? People do change, and maybe he's more ready to parent than his partner realizes.
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